New Living Will Form

I, ...... ...... ...... ...... , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

......  Martini ......  Margarita ......  Scotch and soda ......  Bloody Mary ......  Vodka and Tonic ...... glass of Chardonnay or Merlot (or other wine) ......  steak ...... lobster or crab legs ......  remote control ......  bowl of ice cream ...... chocolate ...... sex

At that point, it should be presumed that I will never get better. I hereby instruct my executor and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day when such a determination is reached. It is also time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ...... ...... ...... ...... ......

Date: ...... ...... ...... ...... ......

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients there are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on !!


For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike


How unfortunate misunderstandings arise....

Three sisters, Ann, Jan and Fanny all have big feet. Ann and Jan go on a double date and one of the boys says "Jesus, you have big feet". Ann replies, "you should see our Fanny's, they're huge!"...

Kids are smarter than we are #1...

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. she would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.  "I'm drawing God," was the reply. The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "they will in a minute."

Menu items you won't see in McDonalds...

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

HANDJOB:  10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." "Well wash your hands," the old biker replies,
"I want a cheeseburger."

The Risks of Emigration...

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later however, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the Captain replied. "This is the Woolwich Ferry"

Kids are smarter than we are #2...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a catholic elementary school for lunch.  At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun in charge had written a note and posted it on the apple tray:

"Take only one. God is watching."

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."

A story with a Moral ( don't you just hate those? )...

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding. The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they staggered across the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned. And the moral? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye...

Kids are smarter than we are #3...

The teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," chorused the class.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position,
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow at the back shouted, "cause your feet ain't empty."

Have a great day !

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