RELIGIOUS 2

                                   THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

    1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

    2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

    3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

    4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

    5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

    6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

    7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

    8. After the destruction of the Second Temple , God created Neiman-Marcus

    9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

    10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

    11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

    12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

    13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

    14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.

    15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

    16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

    17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended..

    18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

    19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But, if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

    20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida .


    SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS:

    1. Under same management for over 5765 years.

    2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

    3. What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand?

    4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

    5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : 'The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.'

    6. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

    7. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. 'Would you like dinner?,' the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. 'What are my choices?,' Moshe asked. 'Yes or no' she replied.

    8. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, 'Mr. Cohen, are you comfortable?' Cohen replies, 'I make a nice living....'

    9. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: 'shmuck.' At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, 'I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.'

    10. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow 'oy.' The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow 'oy.' The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, 'Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children.'

    11. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks,
    'Is anything all right?

**********************

The True Origin of the Internet.


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, 'How, dear?'

And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work
only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay' he said,
'We need a name that reflects what we are.'

And Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'

'YAHOO,' said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

*********************

RECOGNITION

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital, but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

God replied: 'I didn't recognise you.'

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