NATIONALITIES 2

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass down their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man..
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

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These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website.
The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?
(
UK ).

A : We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q:
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q:
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q:
Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )

A : What did your last slave die of?

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Q:
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A : A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ..... Oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q:
Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q:
Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q:
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A : Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q:
Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A : You are a British politician, right?

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Q:
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

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Q:
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q:
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q:
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q:
Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q:

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A : Only at Christmas.

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Q:
I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A : Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

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Q:
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A : Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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 The European Commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

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