WISE WORDS

How to Start a Fight

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife of my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should've dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too'

That's when the fight started......

********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, I kept staring at a tipsy lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, she's my old girlfriend.

I believe she took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'' My God!' said my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

********

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.

********

A woman standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She isn't happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly I need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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ASDA Superstore's - Finest Moment ......?

Read the cake first:



Okay, so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

ASDA Employee: 'Hello 'dis ASDA, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

ASDA Employee: 'Whatchu want ondacake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne.' And underneath that 'We will miss you'.

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THE BANK ROBBERY

 

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!" .. and proceeds to have the cashier empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts..
"Did anybody else here see my face?"

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him as well.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds, before a male voice is heard from a distant corner,

"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

***************

QUICK THINKING

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his Manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the Manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked. The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."

Gracious!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

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CLEVER SIGNS

On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
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On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
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On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
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At a Tyre Centre:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
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At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
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On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
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At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
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On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
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On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
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At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
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Outside a Exhaust Centre:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit ! Stay !'
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
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And don't forget the sign at a
Radiator Centre:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
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And probably the best of all:


Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'