Two businessmen in a popular travel location were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,
sure enough, a curious tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick foreign accent asked
"What you sell?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the tourist said, "You are doing very well... only two left!"
GOOD - BETTER - BEST
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young
accomplice further down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160 in notes.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball.'
He replied, 'Central Otago Police don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car !!!!
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose- fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete'
and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but F A T cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court
when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along...
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG
WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR.
GORSKY." MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL
WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
"SEX ! YOU WANT SEX ? YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON !"
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the most cowardly. The first one says,
"My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes he slides underneath his bed."
The second kid says," That's nothing, my dad
is so scared that when mummy works nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
Don't mess with old guys like us !
George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone inside your
house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be along when available.
George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I've just shot them dead.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought that you said there was nobody available!'